Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
