Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
