She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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