True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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