I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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