THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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