my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Someone shit on the floor
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
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