so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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