I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
