Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
