On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
