u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
