I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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