Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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