how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
