i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
