Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
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