Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
