HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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