Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
