I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
