Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
