And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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