I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
