so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
