No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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