Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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