alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
