i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
