i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
