i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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