I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
