In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
