so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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