im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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