kristin has been a bad kristin
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
