Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
