Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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