k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
