Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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