just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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