just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
