He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
