ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
