I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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