btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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