I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
