Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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