One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
