I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
