How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize