Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
