If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
