My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
