I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
