I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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