ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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