There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
