you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
