I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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