Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
