I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
