mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
