So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize