So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
