the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
