Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
